It is hard to recall the day one of my engineering class. What i remember the day when our id photo was being taken. The class tried hard to make me laugh, but they failed. I was serious, and making me smile was much serious affair.
Being internal to jamia was a matter of privilege. I was not a foreigner. I had the famous chicken biryani at campus canteen when i was in 11th and 12th standard. That time in year 1999-2001 going in the engineering campus was a confident affair. I felt proud and thought this place to be as granted. I knew, somehow the gut feeling, that i will someday be in the faculty.
I was in love with physics, was dreaming IIT, but happened to be the Devdas of tragedies. My love to the subject didn’t proved me to pursue the fate with IIT. I settled in Jamia. This was somehow planned or i don’t know.
I escaped the ragging sessions. I had a reputation of being a topper in school. Most of the internals knew me. Some guys wanted to have a ragging session, however i said a confident NO, INTERNAL and it worked. I was disappointed watching sick mentality where both seniors and juniors enjoy the stupid ragging sessions. I hold my position as against to these madness. Interaction and familiarity should come at the cost of virtues.
I am contradicting to some of my old beliefs. Life bring changes and our thoughts are challenged. So it impacts the way we believe in things. I had some of the setbacks in my life and the cruel tortures of poverty, instabilities and more had hardened me. This was hard for me to smile, laugh and play with my classmates. They were still kids playing and enjoying. I was like a 40+ trapped inside. My sense of friendship, fun, entertainment, study and interaction were not compatible with the most.
There was a sense of superiority and inferiority complex in me at the same time. I had my own pace of studying. I never had the fast food sessions of classes and exams. This developed a critic inside me. I didn’t liked teachers doing a copy and paste work on blackboard. Ego and prejudice. I was not experiencing engineering rather a race to get ahead. To keep teachers happy and score more. Somehow i drifted big time. The vacuum was created in me, which developed two simultaneous forces. Sometimes i feel confident good and worth, on the same time somewhat inferior, unstable, insecure. And then i started hating the teachers and worked my own way.
My friend Zahoor was not with me. I knew Mozahir. Mozahir was my lab mate in school science labs. In class 12th i was reckless and developed a good bonding with Mozahir. The common interest were ofcourse movies and computers. I loved doing windows installation and troubleshooting drivers issue. How insane? So in engineering class as well we started playing together. There was a force in me to show off and outshine, like i wanted to score more, but was not habitual to so fast pace memorization, quick prompt, and metropolitan culture of teacher student relationship. I was slow and firm, and scored less.
I had a bicycle since my school in Jamia. Shakeel bhai used to have the one in AMU and so i wanted to have. When i topped in 11th class i asked Abbu and he didn’t resisted. I got the cycle. I go the engineering class with my cycle. This was quite satisfying having Aaloo patties in faculty canteen. Missing first class and then roaming around mostly. My coaching business was in peak. I had become a famous Physics tutor in locality. My confidence come from my ability to materialize my knowledge. This made me to hate copy cat teachers in faculty more. At the end this was all about just score to pass, no matter how much i get.
So, first two years were without knowing how to operate a mobile phone, i was doing electronics and communication engineering. I got my first mobile phone in June 2003, this was Nokia 3315. This was for 4000 INR. I was very happy. I got a hutch connection and there was an offer, 198 rs talktime in 200 rs. I called home talked Abbujaan and played snake endless time. When i went home in Eid, people were mesmerized in sleeper calss watching me playing mobile snake game. Those days mobile phone for middle class in Bihar was a luxury.
So back in class there were different groups. Intelligent, Studious, Mediocre, Backbenchers, Famous, Heroes, Villians, forgottens etc. I do not know where did i belonged? I was least interested in class. Slowly i lost my passion in being a performer and focused on my teaching skills. Established my coaching well, earned appreciable money and didn’t managed it. I spent all. I was not saving oriented then. In class i was making a self competition with some bright guys just to prove my knowledge or getting ahead of them, but this was not my piece of cake, i was not up to. I always failed to perform in academics.
There were some subjects where i excelled and loved to study. Engineering physics, thermodynamics, EMFT, communication and digital circuits theory. Mostly since their nature was more physics oriented and i got good teachers who explained the subject well. I was always in the search of finding patterns, methods, and formulating procedures to solve problems. Subjects where i fail to establish a structured way to solve problems, was where i never performed, like microelectronics and analog circuits.
